A is for Beautiful

First and foremost I want to say thank you to all the people that have called, emailed, and posted comments over the last few days. They have been so helpful and I can say with certainty that the last few days would not have been so easy without the love and support of you all.

I am doing very well. I went in for surgery yesterday morning at 6:45 and was “home” by 11. Everything was very simple and I was lucky to have my parents to keep Julianna, my husband waiting for me in the waiting room, and a very sweet doctor and nurse to take care of me in the hospital. I have a prescription for pain killers that I really haven’t needed and have already quit taking. Although I can’t swim for the next two weeks, I still managed to spend the afternoon with family resting on the beach and seeing a matinee showing of Batman followed by dinner at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. Life is good.

In the past 48 hours I have questioned so many things. I have wondered about my 8 ½ week appointment a month ago and how I wanted to push it back from Monday to Friday since I would be at the beach for the following month. If I had done that would we have known a month earlier? I have wondered if my experience with c diff somehow made me unhealthy enough to terminate a pregnancy. I have wondered what to do with the adorable “Big Sister” shirt I bought Julianna two weeks ago.

On the other hand, I have also wondered about the half marathon at the end of April 2009 that my sister has been asking me to commit to run with her and about the weight that I’ve been putting off losing. I have wondered if this is my opportunity. I have wondered if this is God’s plan for my job situation – to not have to go on maternity leave during the middle of the regular school year. And I have wondered about having a winter baby and how that would affect any PPD that I might have after Baby # 2 is born. Maybe I am just meant to have a summer baby. :)

I think the main thing that I have been thinking about is how much harder this would have been if it had been my first pregnancy. For all of you people out there who have gone through that, I am so sorry. I cannot even fathom how difficult that would be.

When we got pregnant with Julianna we didn’t tell anyone before the first trimester was over except our immediate family (and we even waited until 11 weeks to tell them). I was beyond excited about being pregnant, but I also was cautious enough to not want to make a mistake born out of excitement that I may have had to “un-tell” later. I am so glad that I made those decisions.

I am also so very glad that I made the decision to announce this pregnancy early on. If we had followed the same plan and not shared our news this time around until the “safe period,” then Jonathan and I would be suffering alone right now. Instead we have had an enormous amount of love and support from everyone who knows us. I have had people I don’t even know write me to share their experiences with me. I have had family members write me to tell me their personal experience that I had not even been aware of prior to sharing mine. I have had friends show genuine concern for me and it has without a doubt been the greatest blessing.

While I am sad that I won’t have a baby to play with in January, I am so satisfied that I have put this experience behind me and that we’ll be able to try again in the future. Thanks again for loving on me guys. I mean it.

And if anyone makes fun of me for wearing my maternity clothes for the next month or so I’m going to punch them in the face. Just kidding. But really, those things are just so darn comfy. :)

The baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days. To me the irony is that I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks 4 days. Just two days before the baby suppsedly died we saw the heartbeat. I knew right away on the ultrasound today as soon as the baby came into focus. You could see the baby and you could see the heart but no pulsing bright light, no heartbeat. I simply said, “there’s no heartbeat” and the ultrasound tech said, “You caught me. I’m going to have to do a vaginal ultrasound.” This was, I’m assuming, to get the clearer picture and measure the baby, but it was irritating to me that I was 95% positive that the baby had died and she wouldn’t say it. When she left the room for me to get undressed it took her forever to come back and then during the vaginal US the doctor came in to tell me.

It’s amazing to me that they can tell when the baby stopped growing exactly. It’s also amazing to me that although I had a very strong (bad) feeling about the baby a couple of weeks ago, other than that and the very light spotting I would not have known.

All kinds of thoughts keep going through my head. If I had been home I am convinced that things would be no different. My next OB appointment would have been yesterday and it would have shown the same thing. The only thing that could have helped is if I had had cramps or spotting earlier and had been home I could have had the earlier US. I am angry that the ER could not have done an US and given me answers like this on Friday. I am angry that the doctor’s office could not have seen me yesterday and given me answers a day earlier. I am glad to have my little girl.

I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow afternoon and go in for surgery the next morning at 9am. She did give me the option to go home, but after talking with her about what the surgery entails it does not seem important to me to be at home when I should be fully recovered by Thursday afternoon/evening. She stressed that I get the procedure done as early as possible and that is fine with me. Jonathan will be here Thursday night.

Overall, I really am fine so far. I am not worried about what I could have done differently and I am already looking past it to the future. Whether that is good or bad I don’t know and don’t really care at this point. Call me crazy, but I am mostly just worried about whether Jules will notice that we stop talking about a baby for several months. And of course, wondering about my bridesmaid’s dress for my sister’s wedding in 3 months.

I’m totally assuming that they’ll make me wait a few complete cycles before I start trying again and I question - Will Julianna be 4 years old when she gets a baby brother or sister? Will she be ten? Will she be the only one for us?

Any answer is fine although some are preferable to others. I am truly blessed to have my Doodlebug. Some people are not as lucky.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Let me tell you about my day yesterday.

I have had very light spotting since Wednesday. No cramps at all and feeling pretty good compared to earlier in the pregnancy. I called my OB’s office back at home and spoke with a nurse who took a bunch of information and did not sound very alarmed at all at my description of the spotting. She asked my blood type (which is O negative by the way, and requires Rhogam shots with each pregnancy both at 28 weeks and once the baby is born). She told me that she wanted to speak with a doctor and call me back. That was Thursday morning. When I hadn’t heard from her by Friday at 11am I called back and left another message for her.

She returned my call Friday around noon after speaking with a doctor and explained to me that I should probably be seen by someone down here. She said that I could probably get an early small dose shot of Rhogam because of the bleeding but that there was probably no concern for miscarriage based on my symptoms and at 12 weeks pregnancy. She advised that I either go to an urgent care type place or that I go to the local emergency room and she told me that I should probably call first to make sure that they have the necessary shot before I go.

So of course, I called two urgent care type places that could not help me. Then I called a local OB office who said all of their doctors left at noon on Fridays. So I phoned my doctor back and told the nurse that I was heading to the local emergency room and that she could fax my medical records there. Fortunately my dad was able to stay with Julianna who was napping and my mom was able to go with me to the hospital. I got signed in at the ER at 1:15 and was told that there were only 2 OB beds so I would probably have to wait a while.

I was pleasantly surprised when only 50 minutes later they got me in a room. The doctor was very kind, knowledgeable, and personable. He got the Doppler out and listened for the heart beat. He told me before hand that we may or may not be able to hear one because 12 weeks gestation is right on the cutoff line for when you would be able to start picking up the babies heartbeat on a Doppler instead of a sonogram machine. If he hadn’t prefaced it all with that I would have fuh-reaked out because he looked for a long time and we were not ever able to hear the babies heartbeat. He did say not to worry that that didn’t particularly mean anything.

Then he asked to do an exam to check to make sure there was no bleeding from my cervix. Although it was not a pleasant experience, I could immediately see relief on the doctor’s face as he told me that there was a little blood on the outside of my cervix and not coming from the inside. He said that there were small abrasions on the outside that were causing the blood and that was common during pregnancy. He checked to make sure that my cervix was still closed and that the plug was still there and everything was fine. He again assured me that there wasn’t a cause for concern of miscarriage even though he had to diagnose me on the chart as “threatened miscarriage.” He said I still needed to get the early Rhogam shot due to the blood and asked the nurse to order it from the pharmacy.*

I was very, very relieved and while earlier I was questioning why he wasn’t going to do an ultrasound, now I wasn’t too concerned because he didn’t seem worried and apparently didn’t think I needed to have one. So when he left the room, my mom and I were talking about it and since the nurse was still in there we asked her if he was planning on doing an ultrasound and she said that she thought he was. That confused us, but we were like OK whatever.

When the doctor did come back in the room my mom asked him about the sonogram. He told us that they didn’t have the ability to do them where I was in the ER and unless it was more serious cause for concern (like a tubal/ectopic pregnancy) for which they could send me somewhere else in the hospital for that.

Anyway, here’s where the annoying part of the story comes. He said to my mom and I (and I do indeed quote), “Do I think she’s having a miscarriage? No, I don’t. Do I think she needs to have an ultrasound? Yes, she does.” When he found out that my next appointment at home wasn’t until August 4th he offered to give me a referral for an OB down here. He told me that it was totally up to me whether or not I wanted to go in for the ultrasound or not. That’s what confuses me. Does he just mean for peace of mind? Because he seemed so certain that I was not miscarrying.

When I was leaving the hospital I was leaning towards not going in to get the ultrasound as I already have the expensive ER visit to pay for. I talked with Jonathan and we both just thought that if I found myself worrying to death about it all weekend then I would just go in on Monday for the US, but otherwise I would forego it until my visit at home in 2 weeks.

Last night I had some minor cramping and now of course I am going nuts. I didn’t sleep at all because I was laying there “listening” to my body all night worrying about every new feeling. I don’t know if the slight cramps I was having off and on all through the night were from worry and anxiety, the normal round ligament growth and stretching, or a sign of miscarriage.

I am definitely going to the doctor for an US on Monday.

In the case of miscarriage, I think I will be fairly strong about it and handle it as well as can be expected. After all, I am blessed. I have this:

My two silliest, but yet biggest concerns about it at the moment are indeed the fact that we’ve already prepped Julianna for a little sibling quite a bit and we would have to figure out how to deal with that and also (silly, I know, but…) my maternity bridesmaid dress for my sister’s wedding in 3 months has already been ordered. What would they do with that? The maternity style is slightly different that the regular bridesmaids dresses so it may be more difficult than just cutting it down a lot.

ANYWAY.

That’s where I am this weekend. What are you all doing? Seriously. Let me know. Because I’m so bored I could poke my eyeballs out. That and I need something else to keep me entertained until the doctor’s offices open on Monday morning.

*In typical ER style, the nurse did NOT apparently go order the shot from the lab at that time, causing my visit to last a full 5 hours and 15 minutes instead of only the 2 hours it required. She did however go take her lunch break at 4pm and left us sitting in a freezing cold 10’ x 8’ room staring at the same four walls for 3 hours. Yeah. That was fun. She ordered the shot from the pharmacy when she got back from lunch and then it took them another hour and a half to get it ready. I can now see why the check-in lady warned me that them having only two OB beds might be some sort of hang-up.

It has been the week from hell.

On Mother’s Day Julianna woke up with a fever of 101. We had to skip church anyway because I was cooking for a bunch of family and hadn’t been able to prepare enough the day before. I got up early and went to the grocery store and immediately came home and started cooking while Jonathan took care of Jules. After an exhausting morning of cooking, we finally (better late than never) sat down to eat lunch and Meltdown The First began. After no one could convince Julianna to sit down to lunch, she finally requested to go to bed (it was already an hour past her naptime and she was still running a fever). As the family began eating, I put her down for a nap. She slept and we ate. Then shortly after all the cleaning up and coupon clipping we had to journey over to my sister’s house. She was kind enough to cook for my mom, her MIL, and me for Mother’s Day. I know all the work that went into that dinner and I truly appreciated it. Since Julianna was still running a fever and was being pretty whiney AND she had skipped lunch and not eaten until 4pm when she woke up from her nap, she did NOT want to eat dinner. So we dealt with an uncooperative toddler during that meal (FUN!) and were late getting her home for bed.

That night her fever got worse (102/103ish) and she starting gagging on each dose of Tylenol/Motrin. After changing her vomit-covered outfit multiple times throughout the night with each dose of medicine, we finally got a few measly hours of sleep.

Monday brought a higher fever and more whining. We mostly just stayed around home trying to rest. I had to be somewhere Monday night but when I got home and saw her shivering uncontrollably with fever after her bath I almost cried. Unfortunately, because she was refusing to take the medicines (or couldn’t keep them down) Monday night and early Tuesday morning her fever spiked at 104.4 and I was up with her pretty much all night. She begged me to sleep with her and so I tried. More puking, more changing, followed by a decision to go to the doctor first thing in the morning.

The doctor said the strep test was negative, the urine test was negative for a UTI, must be viral. Bring her back on Thursday if she still has a fever over 100. I decided I’d had enough of dealing with the gagging and the refusal to drink the medicine and Meltdown The NINETITH so I went to buy chewables and suppositories (wheee!). We went to my parents’ house after that where Julianna took two naps (and fortunately I did too!).

[I realize that I’m interrupting myself here, but did you know that acetaminophen suppositories are over $1.30 each?! What a rip-off! Isn’t it bad enough that I have to stick my finger in one of my daughter’s body cavities, the one that poop comes out of, but then the stupid drug companies have to rob me silly at the same time? What’s that all about?]

Sorry. Back to the story of my week.

Tuesday saw another night of high fever and no sleep, but luckily no gagging or puking because of the new meds. Wednesday things began to look up although we were both beyond sleep-deprived. We napped at my parents house again (it’s amazing how much a little bit of sleep can change everything). Wednesday night Julianna was still running a low fever (around 100) so Jonathan stayed home from Bible Study to care for her and I went without them. It was so nice to get out even if only for two little hours.

Although she still had a fever on Thursday morning of 100.4 we didn’t go back to the doctor mainly because I felt that she was getting better. She’d rested better the previous night and I just knew it couldn’t last much longer. We weren’t planning on doing anything on Thursday or Friday, but as luck would have it, a newborn baby was thrown into the extended family mix and the need for me to watch Julianna’s cousin for a few hours arose Thursday afternoon. Then because of some miscommunication I had to drive an extra 30 minutes to pick up Jonathan at lunch and Jules was late for her nap again and it was painfully evident that she was overtired. We journeyed to the hospital to visit last night and then came home and crashed again.

Today, Julianna has only had a 99.7 (at the most) degree temperature. She CLEARLY still does not feel well at all. She has not stopped whining since first thing this morning. She still has a bad cough, runny nose, and is gnawing on her index finger constantly. After lunch I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to give her some Tylenol since she was just painfully obviously not feeling well. That has made her do better, but I swear every single time she even slightly bumps into something she breaks out crying to beat the band. She whines and cries each time I tell her no and she has deliberately disobeyed me more today than she has the entire month combined. I know she just feels miserable, but I don’t know what else I can do to help her.

I cannot emphasize enough just how exhausting this week has been. When we went to the grocery store this morning she cried pretty much the entire time. I tried bribing her with bubbles, with a free balloon, with the promise of a cookie when we got home. Nothing made her happy. She ate no breakfast; she ate no lunch; she only took a one hour and fifteen minute nap. She let go of her balloon in the den and it immediately floated up and got tangled in the ceiling fan and Meltdown The OneZillionFiveHundredTrillionith ensued. I cried along with her. We have a full weekend ahead of us and I don’t see a good way out of any of it. I just know that something’s got to go, but I don’t know what.

I am about to pull my hair out.

AND YES I STILL WANT ANOTHER BABY DANGIT!

TGIF, right?

1. It has been one sucky, sucky day. Especially since it started at 4 am for me thanks to the doesn’t-ever-want-to-sleep-anymore toddler.
2. My daughter has spent the better part of the day in time out. First for biting (YES- BITING), then for pulling on a kid’s shirt, and several times after that for not listening to Mommy.
3. My antibiotics for c diff run out Thursday morning. I am having major anxiety issues that it will grow back and get my GI system out of balance and I’ll get sick again. I want to believe that two rounds of this antibiotic will be enough, but this junk is hard to get rid of and I fear that it won’t be enough.
4. I can’t drink while I’m taking these antibiotics and while I don’t drink that often, I could really use a glass of wine right now. After the crappy day I’ve had and the whole month of being on this medicine, I could stand to relax a little.
5. As if the alcohol weren’t enough, I’ve been trying to limit my sugar intake while fighting c diff. As I understand it, this type of bacteria thrives on sugar so I’ve been doing all I can to make myself cut back lately. This has made me lightheaded and nauseas each morning and afternoon. It makes me feel pregnant and I can assure you that I am most certainly not experiencing morning sickness. (see previous whinings about great desires for baby #2)
6. Julianna threw the mack daddy of all temper tantrums today. It began with not wanting to go upstairs for naptime and ended with her practically catapulting herself over the crib rail at my parents’ house screaming “No Naptime!” in between gasps for breath. While she survived, my mom and I were questioning our newfound abilities to join the WWF.
7. It hasn’t stopped raining all day! I hydraplaned on the way home and that scares me to death.
8. Tomorrow’s my birthday! I know I mentioned I’ll probably skip the birthday cake (see # 5 above) but did I mention that I’ll be OFFICIALLY OLD tomorrow?
9. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I’ve found that as I age I dread visits to the dentist more and more. Besides, I’m planning on taking Jules with me for the first time ever so that she can get used to the dentist’s office, etc. But did I tell you about the time I got my hair cut and took her with me to the salon with no help and then I watched her in the mirror take out ALL of the items in my purse, distribute them neatly across the floor (including open chapstick and lipsticks), AMONG THE FRESHLY CHOPPED HAIR? I just want to get it over with.
10. We have absolutely NO MONEY. Wednesday is pay day around here and I have some bills that are desperately in need of being paid. Tomorrow is Wednesday.

So here’s to tomorrow. I hope it’s a fun one!